So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
