You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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