Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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