Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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