You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
