you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
