I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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