great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
