Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
