you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
