So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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