is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
