May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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