if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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