I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I could fuck to npr.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
