So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
