Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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