you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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