Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
