How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
