Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
