o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
