He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
