Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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