Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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