When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
