i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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