I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
not ubering you a puppy
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.