Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.