is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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