I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
