I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
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I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
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Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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