the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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