I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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