I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
