She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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