Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
