you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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