Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
