The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize