I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
