I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
