i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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