That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
