If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
