there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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