New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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