It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
