i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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