Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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