i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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