But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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