ya dads aren't the best wingmen
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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