The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
