Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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