So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
