i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
