i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
