Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
